Every little ting gonna be alright

Deciding to let my higher, wiser self to take the lead is proving to be a fascinating, hair-raising and thoroughly healing process.

Free of the need to control every event and every outcome, life is a much less stressful process. However, after a few weeks of trying to live this way, my habitual mind is still complaining several times a day that "it can't be this easy". Because honestly, after 3 decades of obsessive and culturally-sanctioned control freakery, I am still flabbergasted that letting go and trusting the process of life to unfold could really be this simple. 

The effects on my health have been astounding. The hormonal turmoil is already showing solid, measurable improvements. I am able to get up in the morning, and stay up and active all day, and to sleep at night without chemical assistance. I am no longer screaming at my husband on a regular basis. My monthlies are actually arriving monthly again. I sometimes catch myself humming, or smiling for no reason. I am even ready to return to work, and looking forward to it! 

This "letting go" is not a passive state. It's not about dismissing the ego either. It's simply learning to listen to the voice of my intuition, and following that, instead of automatically and unquestioningly obeying the barked demands of the habitual mind. That part of me believes that all of life is a zero sum gain, that nothing comes easy, that life is a painful, impossible struggle. I think perhaps that part of me has been wrong all along.

What I'm learning is that part of me never saw the whole picture. Its vision is so narrow: it's like a horse with blinkers on, that cannot see the glorious landscape through which it passes. It only sees the cold, stony path beneath its hooves. 

Following the voice of my intuition is like replacing those blinkers with a fine lace veil: I see more, but I don't see everything. And what I see now is so mysteriously appealing, that the journey itself is now bedewed with grace and beauty. 

So every time my "small self" clamours to retake the reins, I can point to the view and say: 

"OK, I know you miss being the driver, and that you're scared. But just for a little longer, please just enjoy the view. Isn't it better like this, feeling well? You're still part of all this, you're just not doing it alone any more. And the one holding the reins, well, she really does know what she's doing." 

And then this song returns, unbidden, but perfect for this gentle, easy stretch of road...

"... don't worry about a ting ... 'cause every little ting gonna be alright ..."

Introducing "Overcoming Multiple Sclerosis" - the evidence-based recovery programme

The day I was discharged from hospital after my first MS episode in 2006, I started reading everything I could find on how to heal myself. I wasn't going to be oppressed by my neurologist's "doom and gloom", or by thoughts of my mother's fateful battle with MS. I chose not to see myself as having the same condition as the woman dying in a nursing home - I couldn't afford to think that way. So I started looking for advice that went beyond "you'd better make the most of it while you're not too disabled, because it's going to get a whole lot worse".

At first, I didn't find much.

No-one seemed to have any information about what I could do for myself on a daily basis to improve my odds. 

Then I was lucky to come across Ashton Embry's "Best Bet Diet", and a few years later, the "Wahls Protocol" by Dr Terry Wahls. Both of these dietary approaches referred to the published research at the time and aimed to slow the progression of MS, with some success. Both were devised by people with scientific or medical expertise beyond anything I could hope to achieve in this lifetime. Both helped me, just as they help thousands of others with MS, to limit the progression of symptoms - to a greater or lesser extent.

Then in 2014 I discovered Prof. George Jelinek's book Overcoming Multiple Sclerosis. Jelinek is a highly esteemed medical doctor and editor of a major international medical journal. Since his own MS diagnosis he has applied his medical expertise to the business of analysing the published research in all areas of MS, and creating a unique "recovery programme" that includes diet, lifestyle, vitamin D supplementation, exercise, stress management and even emotional healing. He doesn't rule out disease-modifying drugs (DMDs) either, he just tells the truth about their limits. For Jelinek, dogma is nothing and results are everything, and he knows to overcome a systemic and drastic disease you may need to make systemic and drastic changes to the things that caused it in the first place. You need to do "whatever it takes", he says.
Reading the book for the first time, back in June 2014, I knew I had in my hands something with the potential not only to control but actually to reverse my symptoms. I was filled with confidence by Jelinek's thorough, evidence-based approach, and by the fact that it was a whole-life programme - more than just a diet. It sought to address all the factors that seem to create and sustain this illness and wasn't afraid even to talk about the mind-body connection that doesn't tend to show up too much in your average neurological consultation.

Prof George Jelinek: MD and MS Pioneer

It helped that, reading his words, I liked the guy too. Here is someone who grew up watching his mother succumb to this vicious condition that ultimately claimed her life prematurely. I could relate to that. And then when he suddenly, in the prime of his life, gets the same diagnosis, he doesn't collapse in self-pity - he rolls up his sleeves and says:
"OK, this sucks but I'm going to whatever it takes to beat it. I'm going to use all my skills to do what mainstream medicine hasn't done yet: bring together ALL the existing knowledge about MS and work out how to recover from this thing before it progresses any further."

As he applied everything he learned to himself, his condition stabilised and then fully reversed. In 2010 he published his discoveries in book form, so that thousands of others could take control of their MS in the same way.
Over fifteen years after diagnosis, he is vibrant, healthy, symptom-free, and a walking, running example of what can be achieved with dedication and the right information.
I am so grateful that I found the book when I did, and grateful that after less than a year of attempting to implement all its recommendations, I am now one of those thousands of healthy people.

If you or someone you love has MS, or indeed any similar auto-immune condition, I cannot recommend this book highly enough. A word of warning though: the programme is not for the faint-hearted. It demands radical change in many areas of your life. At least that's how it's been for me. But I've had such amazing results that I have to say it's been totally worth it. As an added bonus, it's led to my husband improving his health too. 
I've also met many other people who have reversed their symptoms, even people with primary progressive MS. So at the very least, it's worth a try, isn't it?

K.B.O.

I'm a great believer in mottos. I love words and I am always collecting new favourites: words and sayings that grab me for one reason or another. I especially cherish the ones that make me laugh or help me to feel strong.

So it's quite fitting that I recently adopted a bon mot of the inimitable Winston Churchill, who would sign off his messages and phone calls with the acronym "KBO". It meant, of course, "Keep Buggering On" and brilliantly encapsulated the kind of grim determination that saw Britain through the war years. I thought I only liked it because it made me laugh, but I've just had a clear lesson in what it actually means in practice.

Yesterday, I was so exhausted, so totally debilitated by this MS fatigue, that I decided to scrap all my plans for the day and stay in bed. It was not a happy day. I don't fare well when I'm home alone for long periods, with no energy to do anything "useful". I don't imagine anyone does. And doubtless it contributes to my depression. So last night I made a gentler, less intensive plan for today. Crucially, it included my first visit to a mindfulness class that I've just discovered.
When I woke up this morning feeling even more exhausted than the day before, I was absolutely gutted. Another day of cancelled plans, mooching around the house feeling sorry for myself? Initially, yes, that's exactly how it was.

BUT THEN...

After a bit of complaining to the OH, a couple of hours of sulking, and a super-nutritious juice, I suddenly found the will to force myself to leave the house. Yes, my legs felt like lead weights, but I wanted to go to that class, dammit! And getting there has made all the difference to my day. I feel at least 20% more energetic than when I woke up, and 100% more positive.
Did I drop off during the meditations? I think so.
Am I still exhausted? Yes.
Do I now feel better, emotionally and physically, than if I'd stayed in bed? Absolutely!

Of course I'll now have to make sure I don't overdo it and I get appropriate rest tonight, but I'm beginning to understand that for me, self-care doesn't mean wrapping myself in cotton wool and it doesn't mean always pulling out of something just because I'm feeling rough.

Today I learned that KBO is more than just a wry motto. For Churchill's Britain, it meant fighting on even when they felt there was no fight left in them. For me, it means marshalling the power of my will to push through all the obstacles that would prevent me doing what I know I need to do to get better. Even if part of me doesn't want to do it.

How do you build a new woman?

We can rebuild her, we have the technology >>>>>>>>>>

Yesterday was a "Why" moment. Today is about the "How".

If we take Einstein's definition of insanity, "to keep doing the same thing and expect a different result", then I've been insane for years. So has the whole human race.

On that basis, here's what I won't be doing any more:

1. Beating myself up for getting sick. Usually I blame myself when I have an MS relapse or a depressive episode, and usually this involves crediting any of the following heinous crimes:

• eating the "wrong" foods
• not getting enough exercise
• not sleeping 8 hours a night
   and mostly, these days ...
• getting too stressed about any of the following:
  my job - my marriage - my "To Do"  list - "unethical" shopping habits - the Middle East - the state of British politics and how little I'm doing about it - casual racism - dealing with call centres - regrets about not having children - regrets about past mistakes - regrets about things that were never my fault in the first place - feeling guilty about not being at work while my husband is working his butt off - feeling guilty about spending money when I'm not earning any myself - feeling guilty about everything ...
  

2. Getting a whole new plan in my head, being completely unrealistic about how much difference it will make in a very short time (usually about 3 days), and then getting so disheartened / self-critical that I end up ...

3. Eating rubbish or bingeing on TV box sets before quickly returning to Step 1.

So what will I be doing?

I know that there are lots of things I could do - and have done - to support the body-mind's build-in repair and maintenance systems. I also know that I need to do something new (like the physicist said). Or possibly something old, but in a new way. 

So I need to make room in my head for intuition. I have always followed what my rational mind told me to do, even to the point of over-riding my voice of my intuition. When I started this last job contract, my intuition was shouting at me, "No, not now, not this!", and I ignored it because I couldn't rationalise it. This is something I'm aware of doing over and over throughout my adult life. It's left me indecisive, stuck between what my intellect wanted and what my intuitive self was counselling.

So this time, just as an experiment, I'll listen to my intuition. Starting with - for no other reason than it feels like a good idea - a complete physical and mental cleanse. I've read memoirs of people who have used cleansing to open up more space in their lives, to clear out old mental and emotional habits, all the baggage that we carry from the past, our parents, our society. Apparently cleansing can clear out a lot of physical problems too. It includes cutting out poisons like TV, news, caffeine, pain pills etc and replacing them with music, oxygen, exercise, enemas, meditation and sleep. It won't mean a huge change in diet because I already "eat clean" anyway (more on this later). And even if it doesn't do any of these things I've read about, I can reasonably expect clearer skin and better sleep within a week or so. Might save a few quid on newspapers and coffees too.

Seems a long way from the arse-kicking bionic woman, but I'm happy to start small. 
That's another new thing: making small quiet changes instead of dramatic grand gestures.

Life begins at 39 and 11 months

You may have read astounding, inspiring life stories of people who have miraculously healed from terrifying illnesses, diseases that we think of as incurable and fatal, diseases that we fear so much that we use euphemisms to avoid saying their names. I certainly have, and I love these memoirs - they inspire me and I often turn to them when I need to remember that life is infinitely more unpredictable and mysterious than we tend to believe.

This is not one of those stories. I am not dying. The problem is, I'm not living either. Can you relate? I'm nearly 40, and I'm afraid of everything, except perhaps death itself. No, death is a rather friendly thought in my imagination, it represents the end of my grey existence. A final letting off the hook of the life I'm too scared to live. I do fear my deathbed though. I have no doubt that if I were dying today, the regret would be total, it would be suffocating.

And today - as I recover from my 5th attack of Multiple Sclerosis and as the steroids and midsummer Sun burn the faintest break in the thick cold cloud of the depression that has been my prison for over 2 decades - today, I begin to create a new me. A new everything. Because I don't want to be too afraid to live any more. I am making a promise to myself, a solemn vow right here on this Tuesday afternoon pavement table, surrounded by rucksacked tourists, street traders and baby buggies, to do whatever it takes to finally inhabit my own life. There are no sacred cows here. There is nothing I will not do, try or sacrifice if I believe it is required.

Those stories, the ones that end with the once terminally ill person dancing off into the sunset - happy, healthy, healed - they always seem to start from a life-and-death moment, don't they? They're in the hospice, with days to live. The tumours have spread to every organ system. The doctors are about to switch off the machines.

If I carry on for the next 20 years as I have for the last 20 - flash forward to 60 years old - that could be me. And maybe I too would have a miraculous recovery, write a book, and dance off into the sunset. I believe it's possible: I know that the body has an astounding ability to heal itself, given a chance. So why wait to get that sick? 

When would now be a good time to start?

For once, I'm making a proactive choice. I'm not going to wait till I'm dying to start living.