Every little ting gonna be alright

Deciding to let my higher, wiser self to take the lead is proving to be a fascinating, hair-raising and thoroughly healing process.

Free of the need to control every event and every outcome, life is a much less stressful process. However, after a few weeks of trying to live this way, my habitual mind is still complaining several times a day that "it can't be this easy". Because honestly, after 3 decades of obsessive and culturally-sanctioned control freakery, I am still flabbergasted that letting go and trusting the process of life to unfold could really be this simple. 

The effects on my health have been astounding. The hormonal turmoil is already showing solid, measurable improvements. I am able to get up in the morning, and stay up and active all day, and to sleep at night without chemical assistance. I am no longer screaming at my husband on a regular basis. My monthlies are actually arriving monthly again. I sometimes catch myself humming, or smiling for no reason. I am even ready to return to work, and looking forward to it! 

This "letting go" is not a passive state. It's not about dismissing the ego either. It's simply learning to listen to the voice of my intuition, and following that, instead of automatically and unquestioningly obeying the barked demands of the habitual mind. That part of me believes that all of life is a zero sum gain, that nothing comes easy, that life is a painful, impossible struggle. I think perhaps that part of me has been wrong all along.

What I'm learning is that part of me never saw the whole picture. Its vision is so narrow: it's like a horse with blinkers on, that cannot see the glorious landscape through which it passes. It only sees the cold, stony path beneath its hooves. 

Following the voice of my intuition is like replacing those blinkers with a fine lace veil: I see more, but I don't see everything. And what I see now is so mysteriously appealing, that the journey itself is now bedewed with grace and beauty. 

So every time my "small self" clamours to retake the reins, I can point to the view and say: 

"OK, I know you miss being the driver, and that you're scared. But just for a little longer, please just enjoy the view. Isn't it better like this, feeling well? You're still part of all this, you're just not doing it alone any more. And the one holding the reins, well, she really does know what she's doing." 

And then this song returns, unbidden, but perfect for this gentle, easy stretch of road...

"... don't worry about a ting ... 'cause every little ting gonna be alright ..."

Setbacks ... and surrender

So, it did seem that my "MS relapse" had passed, leaving me with only very severe and prolonged fatigue. Or so I thought...

Q: When is a relapse not a relapse?

A: When it's a whole new problem....

Yup, that's right. It seems I have a whole new set of medical labels and theories to juggle with, or soon will have. I say "seems" because I'm still waiting on the results of a lab-full of tests.

The main problem is this "new improved" fatigue, which I'd previously put down to MS, but now seems to be a whole new animal. It is utterly disabling all day, then suddenly lifts in the early evening, after which I feel fairly wired for a few hours and then find it hard to sleep. Added to that mood swings that would make Godzilla blush and very strange goings-on in my monthly cycle and it's clear that, whatever's up, it's not MS. I suppose I ought to be glad of the change, but right now the old addage that "a change is as good as a rest" feels like a nasty joke. I am sooo tired (I'm writing this at 10am, but it would be a different story at 10pm) that I'd take a rest over a change every time!

According to my own amateur sleuthing and some early DIY tests it looks like, at the very least, I'm dealing with what is sometimes called "adrenal fatigue", or hypoadrenia. The really swell thing about Mr Hypoadrenia is that he usually steps out with his pals Ms Hypoglycaemia and Mr Hypotension - that's low blood sugar and low blood pressure to you and me. Either of these could explain why I often feel like I'm going to faint for no apparent reason. Now I'm no dainty little thing and there's nothing wrong with my appetite, so feeling faint is something that doesn't seem right to me. Inwardly I feel more like an Amazonian warrior than a willowy princess type, but right now my body begs to differ. And I DON'T like it. 

I don't like asking for help all the time. I hate going back and forth to the medics like a hypochondriac. But most of all, I loathe not being master of my own ship, getting on with my life and being the super-efficient, go-getting, productive member of society that I feel I "should" be.

And it's exactly that sort of thinking that's got me into this mess. For all my healthy living, all the knowledge I've gained and all the addictions I've dropped, the one thing I never learned was how to release my addiction to stress. Can one really be "addicted to stress"? Well, in a sense, yes. It must be possible, because, psychologically speaking, I have been addicted to stress my whole life. It all comes of making the desires of my ego - "do more, achieve more, be more, get more ..." - more important than the desires of my wiser self, which are always to love, to give and to let it be.

My addiction to the stress of needing to control my entire existence and to continually "get more done" has led to the one thing that an unemployed, healthy-eating, would-be yogi like me would never expect: "burnout". Because that's what we used to call it in the '80s, isn't it? It brings to mind visions of overworked, overstressed executives, up to their necks in meetings, targets and impossible conflicting responsibilities. Or harrassed Mums-of-four swimming in dirty nappies, housework, demanding children and unfeeling partners. Not me, quietly sitting at home rebuilding my health through sensible eating, country walks and occasional writing. I have apparently achieved the impossible: I have got "burnt out" while doing virtually nothing, having no real responsibilities, no job or children and nothing of substance to worry about!

It's an object lesson in what addiction really is. An addict can find a way to get their fix in ANY situation. Somehow, despite leaving work and eschewing any kind of commitments, I have continued to indulge my egoic need to feel important by getting stressed. And now I am, once again, paying with my health. Indeed, I am virtually disabled by it.

So ... finally ...

I am recognising that the one thing I need to let go of is the one thing that has always mattered most to me: my puffed-up sense of my own importance. My ego. Call it what you will, but I now understand how much I need to chill the f**k out and get some perspective. Right now. And for good.

I am recognising that if I am willing to surrender my ego, or at least some of its more unreasonable demands, this could open up space for true healing. 

 

I am recognising that with all my cleverness I didn't leave room for miracles. I didn't leave room to allow That which created and animates this body to return it to wholeness. I didn't leave room for anything that wasn't my born of my own beloved ego.

Finally I am ready to surrender.

As I embark on this utterly new and alien approach to life, I am so grateful to have as my route map Tosha Silver's new book: "Change Me Prayers: the hidden power of spiritual surrender" ...

... and my wisely open-minded and ever-adventurous husband as my travelling companion. 

The fact that he's up for all this wacky "spiritual surrender" stuff makes it even more thrilling.

If that's not too egoic a word. 

Diary of a relapse - Day 28

Four weeks since this relapse began and I'm still weak and exhausted most of the time, but thankfully with no other neuro symptoms left. So I am recovering, but oh-so-slowly. It's very hard to predict too - I can feel perfectly fine for a few hours, and then suddenly so totally drained I don't even have the energy to get myself upstairs to bed! 

As I mentioned last week, it's clear that medication is no longer an option for me, and rather than thinking of so-called "alternative" options as a complement to conventional medication, I now need to consider the possibility that they really are my only alternative.

So, what are my options?

Prof George Jelinek's masterful book and programme Overcoming Multiple Sclerosis sets out a whole bunch of evidence-based diet and lifestyle changes which, if implemented fully and consistently, in time can lead to full recovery from MS. Tens, perhaps hundreds of thousands of people worldwide are now recovering from MS by following this programme.

So, you many quite reasonably ask, why am I not doing all that already? Well, in fact, I have been doing my best to follow this programme over the last year since I first came across the book.
But it's tough. Even with a supportive hubby, the demands of the programme are fairly drastic, and involve every area of your life.

The programme isn't just a complete change of diet, it includes daily exercise and daily meditation, both of which I have really struggled to take on. I suppose you could say I've spent the first year just getting to grips with the diet, and have certainly felt some benefits already.
But what this most recent relapse has taught me is this: I can eat the most consistently healing and nourishing foods, sleep well, and rest rather than work when that's what my body needs. But without the peace of mind and equilibrium that daily exercise and daily meditation brings, my overactive immune system can still "freak out" and bring on another relapse. As I've learned to my cost. 

You see, in the weeks and months before this relapse I was excessively stressed and unhappy - even more than usual. This state of mind often tipped into uncontrollable anger, which led to frequent rows with the people around me - mostly my poor hubby. And that led to me feeling really ashamed of myself, and rather desperate and depressed. I could see that I was stuck in a negative feedback loop, and just couldn't seem to break out of it. And all this anxiety, rage, despair and self-recrimination triggered the acute inflammation that created a new relapse. In short -

I got sick because I got stressed!

I'm not talking about the every day, passing stress that we all seem to live with. I talking about the severe, ongoing, hanging-on-for-dear-life extreme stress that can lead to burnout, breakdown, or illness.  
In fact, it was not unlike the excessive stress I experienced in the year before my first MS attack - losing my father suddenly and unexpectedly, dealing with the pressure of university studies while acting as my mother's executor and keeping up visits to her in the nursing home, trying to maintain a long-distance relationship by telephone, and living in a shared house where 5 hours a night of undisturbed sleep was impossible.

That's why the OMS Programme, like most systemic approaches to healing, emphasises meditation and self-care as crucial components of the recovery process. In my attempts to follow the programme, I had unconsciously focused on only those parts I felt I could handle: the diet and supplements side of it. I'd pretty much ignored the rest, because I think I'd feared that it would just be too hard. Cutting out dairy, meat and almost all saturated fats and trans fats, and trippling the amount of delicious veggies I eat every day - a piece of cake compared to loving myself enough to get into regular exercise and meditation!

But I was wrong. What I have learned is, no matter how hard I may believe these things to be, they are not as hard as being unable to walk up my own stairs, or having to leave a job because I don't have the physical energy, or missing out on seeing my niece and nephew grow up, because the 2 hour drive to visit them would exhaust me.

So I've been wondering, praying even, for some help to answer this key question.
Now that I know pretty much everything I need to do to heal my body:

How can I motivate myself to do it ...
consistently ... every day ... for the rest of my life?

Diary of a Relapse - Day 22

When "the drugs don't work" ...

The Drugs Didn't Work

Now that my body is clear of the steroids, I am still dealing with an MS relapse that was not in any way helped by those drugs. 

Putting myself (and my poor hubby) through the hell of steroids made no difference whatsoever to my symptoms.

None. Nada. Zip.

This is a first for me: an exacerbation in MS symptoms that is totally impervious to the effects of high dose steroids. It appears I have reached the point where the only thing steroids can give me is the most atrocious, mind-bending side effects, without any benefits.

My doctor has nothing else to offer me that I haven't already tried.

I've always believed that medicine has a rightful place in health care, and still do. But we'd be idiots to think that medicine can fix everything, and it clearly can't deal with life-long, chronic illnesses like MS. 

"Alternative" medicine?

It's time to accept that good rest and Mother Nature's finest foods aren't just the best "alternative" for me: they're my only option. The question is, do I really believe that they will be enough?

... can Mother Nature help me?

Diary of a Relapse - Day 7

Today is my 4th day on these weird steroids. 

The first two days were fairly hellish, with overwhelming mood swings, but after two more days of treating myself very gingerly indeed and having no more contact with people than necessary, I am feeling more calm than I have done in a long time. 

I am still trying to clarify exactly what is going on within my confused "body-mind", but I think I need to just accept that with these meds, the whole system gets so chaotic that the clarity I always crave is going to be impossible to find. And I hate writing when I don't feel clear about what I'm actually saying.

Solar Storm or Steroids?

I tried not to get too invested in all the coincidence of the recent extreme geomagnetic solar storms and my several days of fairly cataclysmic internal storms - that seems like a rabbit hole I could too easily get lost in...

Let's just say, I've passed through the storm of steroids relatively unscathed, and my MS symptoms are in reverse. 

And I don't want to let myself get so sick again that I ever need to take these terrible drugs again. 

Diary of a Relapse - Day 4

Too ill to think or write tonight. I felt well enough to go for my colonic this morning (more on that later) and then picked up my steroids at last. Now I'm not sure if this apparent worsening of symptoms is the MS or side effects from these bloody meds.
My head feels like it's in a vice, with someone occasionally coming along to turn the handle, the heavy iron plates gradually tightening against skull, crushing my brain. 

I'm grateful for the good company and loving support of my Other Half right now. And that the MS isn't worse. I'm choosing to see today as the low water mark. With the right nutrition, rest, meditation and a bit of luck, I WILL bounce back.

OH just made me a fantastic dark green juice. Shame I couldn't take a photo. Important but is the recipe though:

The Green Phoenix

100g spinach

half cucumber

1 courgette

1 lime

huge chunk ginger

NB: this is a strong, zingy, dark green juice. It is NOT sweet.
If you would prefer yours sweet, try adding pears or apples.

Diary of a Relapse - Day 3

Thanks to everyone for your words of encouragement!
The good news is that I slept well last night and today the weakness and pain down my left side is about 10% less - and that's without any medication - and my right hand that seemed to be weaker and tingly yesterday is fine now. This is terrific as any sumptoms at all in my right hand would've indicated new lesions, as I've never had any symptoms on the right side before.

I'm having ridiculous problems trying to get my prescription filled, so won't now have any steroids before Saturday lunchtime at the earliest.

Thankfully I've got Dr Juice right here - the best medicine of all.

Which brings me to the bad news: I'm too exhausted to make juice today!

After years of juicing for health, I have a fairly complex juicing kitchen, with all sorts of supplements, boosters and superfood ingredients, so that I can make the most healing, alkalizing, inflammation-fighting juices possible. 

But in the midst of this relapse I simply don't have the energy to wash and cut veggies, put the leafy greens through the slow cold-press juicer, and blend in supplements using the blender, as I would usually. Then my hubby, phoning me on his lunchbreak, pointed out the obvious: just make the easiest juice you can, and lots of it. So I did. 
Here it is, my recipe for about 1.5L of fresh, zingy, health-giving juice:

"No Fuss" Juice for "No Energy" Days

1 lemon (unwaxed if you've got them)

1 large bag carrots (mine was 1.2kg)

1 large chunk ginger

1 large cucumber

3 ice cubes

Juice whole, then drink while live.

If any of those ingredients are organic, great. If you can wash them first, then of course that's best - even organic veg will probably have some residues you don't want to eat on a regular basis, and conventionally grown veggies will have all sorts of pesticides on the skin. 

But in the middle of an MS relapse, without the energy to stand by the sink, let alone wash several kilos of produce, I thought "What the heck? Why not live dangerously!" 

Thanks to my old Phillips juicer I didn't even need to cut anything.

1.5L of fresh delicious juice in 3 minutes.

Drank half a litre straight away, the rest is in a cold dark flask to sip throughout the afternoon.

Will have what a call a "proper" green juice this evening when hubby is home to make one. 

Learned something today: there is always a way.

Will keep resting and staying positive and hope that I can bounce back quickly enough to get back to work next week. 

Check back for more tomorrow!